Understanding The Reason Behind Lacking Confidence 

Confidence is knowing who you are. Accepting yourself with all your strengths and weaknesses. It is about being comfortable being you.

That sounds all very ideal, however our confidence actually fluctuates throughout the day. An ace at your workplace, you hit the gym straight after and you see bodies around you looking like the Hulk, while you struggle figuring out how this machine even works so you can begin your session!

Think back to a moment in your life where you remember your confidence dropping significantly. What happened and how were you feeling? And I don’t just mean emotion wise, but even physically. I remember my first day at my first ever job when I was 17 years old. I was actually experiencing a lot of self esteem issues during that time, and although I managed to get the job, which I was proud of, when I first walked in…you could say setting a good first impression went out the window! My mind went blank, my body tensed up, I instantly started to feel small compared to everyone around me. A sense of panic started to form and my mind started to race. I was stuttering. I was saying things I would later cringe on with ice cream. I could feel my cheeks turning into cherry tomatoes(!). They were older, more qualified, confident and outgoing. Busy busy busy, making sales, meeting clients, talking jargon on the phone and sharing stories of what they achieved that day. And as a introvert with self esteem issues and with no previous work experience, all I wanted to do was walk right back outside the door that I had walked in from.

I would like to throw out there that I worked there for 3 years and they were actually such a lovely bunch that I learnt so much from.

The point of this mini life story was so that I could explain how it felt during a time where my confidence swayed. For you, it could’ve been like that, or it could’ve been less or worse. But I want you to go back to that time and remember how you felt. Because under all those feelings and physical manifestations, lied the actual problem. And this problem will creep up again and again either subtly or intensely. This root problem is what you need to figure out.

For me, under all that was fear. Fear of being judged, ridiculed, not being good enough to be there. Fear of not being able to work at their pace. Fear of failing. Fear of criticism. Fear of looking stupid. Fear was the cause right? Nope. Below that fear, there was something else too. It was negative memories. Bad memories of when I was actually judged and I was bullied and was constantly criticised. So my mind put fear infront of those negative memories as a detterent to anything and everything that could possibly expose me to feeling all of that all over again. Bingo.

So I want you to do exactly what I just did there. Take yourself back to that time, and observe how you felt. Single out each emotion you felt and then figure out what was behind all of it. Find the core problem and then reflect on it.

In my next post, I will discuss how to overcome it so that you can learn to be a confident and self loving person. But until then, my lovelies, this is your homework.


11 thoughts on “Understanding The Reason Behind Lacking Confidence 

  1. Learning to be confident and staying positive is worth the time and effort. Enjoyed your post and will look forward to the next on this subject 🙂

  2. Found your article really easy to relate to! Most of us do often face such situations frequently and our confidence really does waiver. I tend to talk alot when I feel like this which makes me feel a little better. Looking forward to your next post!

    1. I’m glad you found it helpful. With you it’s talking a lot and with me it was no words coming out! Thank you for reading 🙂

  3. There was a time when I felt so confident that nothing could bring me down. Unfortunately, that’s a false expectation to have of oneself, because when I fell, I fell hard. I’m not in the process of making a new confidence, something that is more substantial. But life is about experience and it’s through experience that we get to know ourselves better!
    Love this post!

    1. Your words are always wise and intense 🙂 and absolutely, experience as always is the best teacher! Confidence with the awareness of ones capabilities, as well as the words capabilities, is what keeps us strong, even when we fall. Thank you for reading and sharing your own experience.

  4. Like you I’ve also dealt with past memories creeping up and manifesting as physical cringes (I can’t wait to forget all of those times).

    My definition of confidence is “knowing that no matter what happens, everything is going to be okay”.

    When you’re new to something you have no idea what’s going to happen if you do something ‘wrong’. So naturally you aren’t confident. But the more you do it, the more you realize everything will be okay.

    Experience builds confidence. Positive self-talk only motivates.

    Keep up the good work Shahenaj.

    1. Ah the cringes..lets not get started with those!

      Your definition of confidence sums it all up with perfect equilibrium. Very wise words. And crucial for each of us to follow. When your mentality is such that you know ‘this too shall pass’, it’s a perfect balance of self comfort and a self esteem boost.

      And your second point is also spot on. Experience, pushing yourself and combatting your fears are the only way you can grow and increase your confidence as a person.

      Thank you for the excellent tips!

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